thankful #5 of 50 - breathing room

one of my challenges as a pastor has been to learn the rhythm of local church life. as a university campus minister, the pace of the year was regulated by the academic calendar and somewhat predictable -- a lot of prep in early august, a big push during new student outreach in september, a winding down during final exams, etc. i ran hard during certain parts of the year, knowing when the lull in the schedule would come. but church life isn't very much like that. even the holidays, when many church people have their families and traditions to attend to, can be a high demand time for a pastor (e.g. advent season). and on a more immediate level, sunday always seems to be, as pastor wayne says, about three days away, so there's always something urgent to prepare for. and finally, a pastor needs to be in church on sundays. so when can a pastor ever go away, other than for other ministry assignments?

the answer, at least in part, is not that complicated. a pastor has to schedule that time; i suppose that's true for adults in many professions, but having relied on the calendar for so many years, it's not a practice i've cultivated. but recently, i had the chance to go away on my first-ever individual prayer retreat as a pastor (m and i have led more than one prayer retreat as times for others to be instructed and renewed). once the idea came to me, i knew that it was the right thing to do -- and it only took four years to realize i needed to schedule it!

on relatively short notice, it was harder than i expected to reserve a room at a retreat center. apparently, one has to book these things weeks in advance -- something i'll remember for next time. thankfully, there was a room for me at st. placid priory, a women's benedictine monastery ("convent," m corrected me -- but their website says "monastery"). i headed off on a thursday morning, so i had the better part of three days to rest, pray, read, journal, and seek God in an unhurried way. that morning, i met with a spiritual director -- a relatively rare occurrence for a me and not an entirely comfortable one. but i wanted to begin my time with input from someone whose only connection to me was that they were listening to me and listening to the Spirit on my behalf. sister therese's counsel was down-to-earth and made a lot of common sense: sometimes, spiritual discipline is discipline -- a consistent choice to seek God and not to take the path of least resistance, whether comfort or busyness. a solid, if unremarkable bit of direction going into my time away.

i explored the grounds of the monastery, which didn't take long. i prayed at the stations of the cross. i walked the trail through their woods. i spent some time in the library -- quite a collection of books for a relatively small community of sisters. i even prayed at the sisters' gatherings for morning and evening prayer one day. but mostly, i read, prayed, and journaled in my room. i enjoyed it all, but the reading was especially rich. i went back to some of the old wells (notably tozer's the pursuit of God [available online here] and wilkinson's secrets of the vine) as well as to some new ones (including robert quinn's deep change, a leadership book from the business world and a recommendation of a well-read pastor friend).

i was surprised at how much i slept. it was not that i slept hours and hours as much as the fact that i seemed to nap pretty often, especially the first couple of days. i guess i was tired.

on the way back, i continued to pray and stopped off for a visit at the nisqually wildlife refuge. should have brought my camera! it was a lovely, not-too-demanding hike through the reserve.

there was no astounding new revelation (except perhaps that i can live without e-mail and the web for a couple of days and not really miss it). but i thank the Lord for a bit of breathing room, a spaciousness of time and physical place to pursue him -- and to be reminded that all such seeking is really a response to God's constant, determined pursuit of us.

"christian theology teaches the doctrine of prevenient grace, which briefly stated means this, that before a man can seek God, God must first have sought the man. before a sinful man can think a right thought of God, there must have been a work of enlightenment done within him; imperfect it may be, but a true work nonetheless, and the secret cause of all desiring and seeking and praying which may follow. we pursue God because, and only because, he has first put an urge within us that spurs us to the pursuit. 'no man can come to me,' said our Lord, `except the Father which hath sent me draw him,' and it is by this very prevenient drawing that God takes from us every vestige of credit for he act of coming. the impulse to pursue God originates with God..." (a.w. tozer)