empty nest

[for those of you who might be confused by the order that these blog posts are appearing, i am actually back-filling. i had several ideas for posts that i started but never published, and after a busy streak in the schedule, i suddenly realized that i had gone several months without an update. i'm trying to complete them and put them in at the appropriate spots. -b]

some of you know that i was concerned about n heading off the university -- not so much for her sake (i figured she'd do great) but for m's and mine. the prospect of the empty nest was pretty daunting. m and i love each other and have for over two decades now, but pretty much everyone knows it's been a bumpy ride at times. thankfully, we're in a much better place than we were many years ago, but i wondered how we'd do 'on our own.' i had heard the stories of many couples who seemed to have nothing left to share after the kids were grown, and i had a certain amount of anxiety about how things would turn out for us.

not to worry. in the fall, i was delighted to find that the empty nest was actually pretty enjoyable. it's not that we didn't miss the girls -- of course we did -- but we savored our more frequent conversations, the simplified driving schedule, a new, healthier diet, and regular evening prayer together. it was surprisingly... nice.

when b and n returned for christmas break, we reveled in being a family all in one house again. among the highlights of the time: our family reading of the libretto of handel's messiah to celebrate christmas and a family prayer retreat. how cool is it to be able to really worship and seek God with your kids?

n was only home for a couple of weeks because she went on a caribbean excrusion with grandma p. her stay with us was far too brief, but i'm reluctant to complain about anyone getting a chance to cruise the caribbean! when we dropped her off at the airport, i felt conflicted about her leaving, mostly because her university experience has been a mixed bag, and i worry just a bit. but all of the concern was for her, which felt right to me.

the strange experience was taking b to the airport on monday. her stay with us was twice as long as n's, so we got in lots of time together -- working out, great conversations, and lots of eating. but as i unloaded her suitcase, i suddenly realized that i wasn't sure when i'd see her again. unlike n, who plans on coming back for spring break, b has other plans. and it's not certain that she'll come back at the end of her school year either; she's spent the last two summers in new york city, and she's still hoping to spend this one in washington d.c. as an intern at IJM (a christian non-profit dedicated to combating human trafficking,and the organization for which she may someday work). so maybe she'll come back in august for a visit?

a visit. ay, there's the rub. our daughters don't live here anymore. they come on break; they're great about calling (and as of the start of the new year, texting). but they have their own life, and much of it is happening elsewhere, in places we've only visited with people we don't really know. they're adults.

we hugged b, got in the van, and drove away. i couldn't see her in my rear view mirror. my melancholy was palpable. the minivan -- and the four bedroom house we live in -- suddenly felt embarrassingly and unnecessarily large.

don't get me wrong. i'm glad the girls are flying more and more on their own. i celebrate the amazing opportunities God has opened up for them. cheering them on and praying them up from a distance feels good, and it feels right. but the emptiness of the nest, while no longer daunting, is tinged with a just bit of heaviness.

only take care, and keep your soul diligently,
lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen,
and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life.
make them known to your children
and your children’s children
(deuteronomy 11:19)

turning 29

no, i'm not being vain about my age. december 25th was my christian birthday. 29 years ago, i first gave my life to Jesus.

i still remember vividly the pangs of regret at having waited so long to come to Christ. i honestly felt like i had wasted 19 years of my life. all of those years, living for things that didn't seem to matter much in light of eternity. i learned later that those years hadn't been wasted after all; even though i hadn't known my Creator, he had always known me and had been present and at work in my life. he had already been shaping me, already preparing me, already pouring out his grace upon me, though i hadn't recognized it.

for me, becoming a christian wasn't just a change in my way of thinking. it meant receiving forgiveness and experiencing the love of Someone Great who is really there -- and a commitment to trust and live 100% for him -- or as the scriptures say, with all of my heart, with all of my soul, with all of my mind, and with all of my strength (mark 12:30). that commitment has led to some interesting choices over the years, many that i never would have chosen otherwise. along the way, i've had the privilege of seeing God work in some extraordinary ways.

i wish i could say that i've always lived up to my word. i have discovered over and over again that the world isn't what i thought it was, that i am not who i thought i was, and that God isn't who i sometimes make him out to be. that's an awful lot of unlearning. after 29 years, i know more than i've ever known, and i am more acutely aware of just how relatively little i know.

still, i thank God for what i do know: that he is real, and that he loves me -- and not me only, but all people everywhere and all of creation. that his love is not just a warm feeling, but that he put himself on the line to redeem us. that our relationships with one another matter to God almost as much as our relationship with him. that salvation is more than a ticket to heaven; God is renewing more than me and more than people, but creation itself. that the church, as imperfect as it is, is meant to be a window into eternity for all to see.

in the bible, Jesus says that we will know the truth, and that the truth will set us free. every year, i discover a bit more about what he means by that -- thank God.

welcome, christmas?

in recent posts, i've reflected on songs, poetry, and film where i think the message of God comes through -- usually in images or parts of the narrative that reflect our need for him and the good news of his coming into creation to transform it and us. the good news is that the longing for something better -- a better world, better relationships, and even a better me -- is meant to be fulfilled. yes, that starts with a restored relationship with God, but it doesn't end until all of creation is transformed.

the message of last week's glee episode was the opposite. entitled "a very glee christmas," ian brennan wrote an entire story about christmas with seven christmas carols (it's a musical show, after all), none of which referenced anything about what christmas is really about! it's not that i expected a full-on telling of the christmas story with joseph, mary, and the baby Jesus (a la "a charlie brown christmas"), but i'll admit that it was jarring to me how they managed to talk about the "real meaning of christmas" (tm) without even getting close to what christmas really means!

the apex (or nadir) of the episode was the singing of a song entitled "welcome, christmas" (from "how the grinch stole christmas!"). it's a christmas carol that talks about cheer, grace, and togetherness rooted in nothing but ourselves. this actually comes through in the song lyrics, which must be intended to be reminiscent of someone singing in latin, but are really nonsense and have no meaning at all - to wit:

welcome, christmas! fah who rahmus!
welcome, christmas! dah who dahmus!
christmas day will always be!
just as long as we have we!

fah who foraze! dah who doraze!
welcome christmas! bring your cheer!
fah who foraze! dah who doraze!
welcome all who's far and near!

at the end of "a very glee christmas," they have the requisite christmas miracle, two of them actually. sue's miracle -- the miracle of a changed heart -- happens for no apparent reason. artie's miracle is credited to... santa. seriously. well, at least that's what the kids think. in the background, we see the adult figure of shannon beiste, the gold-hearted football coach who is apparently responsible.

so this is the enlightened celebration of christmas: a celebration of goodwill and togetherness that come from nowhere greater than ourselves and mean ultimately nothing. the longing for a better world remains, but as for hope, we're it. this is reason enough a holiday? thankfully, there is a better reason for the season.

penetrating the veil

over the years, i've had the privilege of praying with some very gifted prayer ministers and intercessors -- the kind of folks who seem to hear the voice of God easily and even to see his face. i'm married to one of them, but there have been a number of others. these are the people tozer once described as prophets -- those who have "gazed with inward eye upon the Wonder that is God" and report what they have seen. in tozer's taxonomy, the foil to the prophet is the scribe, who can share only what he has read. he observed that his generation was overrun with orthodox scribes, but wondered aloud about what had become of the prophets.

for me personally, the comparison stings. i fear that, too often, mine is the voice of the well-studied scribe who knows chapter and verse but has not spent sufficient time in the presence of God. i realize that those are not meant to be mutually exclusive; one should have the latter without neglecting the former. but the question persists: does my soul long for God as the deer longs for the water brooks (psalm 42:1)? are my robes fragrant with the aroma of myrrh and aloes and cassia, out of the ivory palaces (psalm 45:8)? am i abiding in Jesus, the life-giving vine (john 15:4)?

i take heart in the fact that my heart is still hungry for a deeper life with him -- that whatever my spiritual shortcomings, the flame of desire still burns. i'm also grateful that a life with him depends far more on what he has done and yet does than on me.

"o God, i have tasted thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. i am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. i am ashamed of my lack of desire. o God, the triune God, i want to want thee; i long to be filled with longing; i thirst to be made more thirsty still. show me thy glory, i pray thee, that so i may know thee indeed. begin in mercy a new work of love within me. say to my soul, 'rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.' then give me grace to rise and follow thee up from this misty lowland where i have wandered so long. in Jesus' name. amen." (from tozer's, the pursuit of God)

i carry your heart with me

with surprising frequency these days, i find echoes of the gospel in film, literature, and song. perhaps this is inevitable, as it is God's own story, the message that is resounding throughout creation. yet it always seems to catch me off-guard - and maybe for that reason, it arrests me and draws me again to him. i hear his voice assuring me of his steadfast love and faithfulness, as when i recently heard the songs "bridge over troubled water" and "i'll stand by you." i see the irony and wonder of his calling on comparatively small and weak beings like us to play an indispensable role in his purpose of defeating evil and bringing redemption to his creation, as seen in the epic "lord of the rings" trilogy. and today, i found the heart of true worship in a poem by e.e. cummings. to whom can we truly say these things? there can be only One.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings - i carry your heart with me