back in the pulpit

this past sunday, i was back in the pulpit for the first time since the final worship service of the bridge. our church is in the middle of a message series on the book of james, entitled 'world changing faith.' you can hear the message here.

it has been an amazing thing to be back at lighthouse for what i believe is a special move of the Holy Spirit. this is an affluent, mostly college-educated suburban church -- a recipe for self-absorption and complacency -- but God is growing the hearts of his people in compassion and commitment for the needy, vulnerable, and oppressed, both locally and around the world. the church invited richard stearns (world vision president) to come and speak last week and took time that sunday to purchase and assemble 500 AIDS caregiver kits. people are also taking a more active interest in serving the poor in our local community, notably through jubilee reach center. many are reading the hole in our gospel, and wrestling with the broader vision of the good news Jesus came to proclaim. smaller groupings of lighthouse folks have been attending forums and workshops to better understand global issues like human trafficking, the social impact of AIDS, and extreme poverty -- and what a gospel response might look like. and the church is also putting its money where its mouth is, giving generously to disaster relief in southeast asia and committing a large sum of money (over $200,000) to the needs of the poor in this new fiscal year. all of this is in addition to the church's commitment to more 'direct' proclamation missions, both in sponsoring full-time missionaries and in sending teams (this past summer to japan and the slums of kenya).

the movement is not yet in full bloom, but the buds are definitely visible. it may be a cloud the size of a man's hand, but we pray that the rain will finally come!

***

thy kingdom come
thy will be done
on earth
as it is in heaven
matthew 6:10

heart of a... hobbit?

back in the early nineties, a woman praying for me had a vision of me as a warrior. she said that i was clothed in armor, and she saw me running toward a huge wall. and she thought to herself, "what is he doing? he'll never be able to scale that wall." but in the vision, that's exactly what happened. i clambered over the wall, full armor and all.

i liked that vision (obviously, since it's nearly 20 years later and i haven't forgotten it). that doesn't always happen when you receive a vision. but this one felt right. i thought of myself as a warrior. i was involved in a great spiritual battle, and it was worth everything it cost. though the challenge was huge, i did not feel the impulse to shrink back; i felt invigorated by it.

those were heady days. a lot of people were coming to Christ in our ministry, and i had the sense that it was just the beginning of something much bigger. i used to tell people that this was the trickle, but God was going to send a flood! i was not interested in building a large, 'successful' ministry. my heart was held captive by the longing for a spiritual awakening in which thousands of people would turn to Jesus en masse. perhaps what began in our little corner of the world would spread across the nation and even beyond.

the burden drove me to God in intercession. i used to lie on my side when i went to bed because i always sleep on my back, and i didn't want to fall asleep. i'd stay up late into the night, pleading with God and praying through isaiah 64 - o that you would rend the heavens and come down, that the earth might quake at your presence! though there were rarely tears, i felt like i was crying all through the night.

that season of my walk with God lasted several years. the ministry swelled to over a hundred, then shrank back to the mid-sixties. we just didn't have enough leaders to care for and nurture all of those people. the revival i yearned for did not appear, at least not in the way i was hoping. i grew weary and discouraged.

there were other things that happened at that time and over the next few years that wore me down. i discovered my marriage was not in very good shape, and that i was responsible for the lion's share of our problems. God's faithfulness and the steadfastness of very good friends helped us through that time, but things still felt uncomfortably tenuous. we moved and found that life in the city was scary; we often felt violated or threatened. i remember a time when our car was being broken into every week, a period that was punctuated by someone kicking in our front door and burglarizing our apartment. later, i came down with a mysterious illness that lasted about half a year and weakened me so much that i couldn't hold my kids or even dress myself. i was exhausted, in constant pain, and with each negative medical test, growing more fearful that perhaps the doctors would never figure out what was wrong with me (they never did, but God healed me anyway).

i could go on and on, but the summary version is: life happened, and it was painful and bedeviling. i began to feel my weakness and my vulnerability. my life seemed very fragile. i continued to pursue God and to be as faithful as i knew how to be, but the old confidence was missing. i still took risks, but there was fear and uncertainty. i didn't feel brave at all. and that feeling hasn't completely gone away, even after all of these years. i do not feel like a warrior.

in fact, i feel more like a hobbit. in tolkien's lord of the rings, hobbits are a small (half the size of a human), relatively powerless race in a world populated by larger, more powerful, more dangerous beings. the hobbits love comfort; when they can, they eat seven meals a day, and drink ale and smoke pipe-weed in copious amounts. they prefer a quiet country life, socializing with friends and making things grow. they are not that interested in the happenings in the wider world, in traveling, or in adventure, preferring the peace and relative safety of the shire.

but in the story, a band of hobbits is sent on a mission that will determine the fate of the whole world. for their journey, they are given the protection of more powerful teammates, which is helpful because they face the constant threat of a terrible evil that studies them, learns their weaknesses, and hunts them. the hobbits bear hardship, face death, make foolish mistakes, and contemplate going home on multiple occasions. they are not the obvious choice for this essential-but-dangerous task -- wouldn't someone bigger, stronger, and braver be a better pick? -- but surprisingly, they turn out to be uniquely qualified. in a world where seemingly everyone and everything is stronger than they are, they have a critical role to play.

the hobbits have to learn to handle a weapon and to fight. they have to learn to face peril and adversity with courage. they have to embrace the sacred task that is entrusted to them, knowing full well that they cannot accomplish it without the help and good will of others. and they have to learn to trust that a greater will is at work for good.

i don't particularly want to be a hobbit. i'd rather be a dread warrior. but i know that there is a method to this apparent madness.

***

and he has said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." most gladly, therefore, i will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. therefore i am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when i am weak, then i am strong.
2 corinthians 12:9-10

embracing the heart of God

i have spent years praying that i would know the heart of God. somehow, i imagined it would be a warm, pleasant experience, full of love and compassion. but the word of God that has come to me repeatedly in the months following the bridge's closure is paul's proclamation in philippians 3:10, where he says, "i want to know Jesus, not only in the power of his resurrection, but also in sharing his sufferings." to be misjudged, rejected, humiliated, abandoned, and betrayed -- these are the sufferings of Jesus, yet his love -- even towards those who occasioned his suffering -- does not waver. this is the heart of God. could anyone really want that?

looking at God's heart from a different angle, our church has been reflecting together on the book of james, which has some pointed things to say about how people of faith should live, especially with regard to the poor and the vulnerable. many of us have also been reading the hole in our gospel, a book written by world vision president richard stearns -- a man who dared to ask God to break his heart with the things that break God's heart. and if you take a good look at the world, it's not hard to find those things. the brokenness caused by sin is everywhere. millions of women are sold into sex slavery. children are 'recruited' into the lord's resistance army and forced to see and commit murder, rape, and other horrible atrocities. 15 million children have been orphaned by AIDS; a growing number of households are headed by children after both parents have died from AIDS, with the predictable consequences of poverty, lack of education, and lack of health care. almost half the world's population lives on less than $2.50 per day; 25,000 children die each day due to poverty. dare we imagine that God isn't moved by any of this?

some classic theologians, notably augustine, have argued for the impassibility of God, leading some to conclude that God does not suffer or feel emotions, at least not because of anything that anyone else is doing. but does God not grieve over the sinful disposition of humanity (genesis 5:6-7)? is he not pleased when we choose wisely (1 kings 3:10)? does he not delight in us and rejoice over us with singing (zephaniah 3:17)? does he not have compassion for the afflicted and oppressed (judges 2:18)? all christians believe that God loves the world (john 3:16) -- surely that's not a love without any kind of feeling?

whatever one calls it, it is not always pleasant. in fact, when faced with even the palest shade of it, i can feel myself shrinking back. yet his voice persists: do you really want to know my heart? loving, it seems, is a painful business. "you risk tears if you let yourself be tamed..."

you have heard that it was said, 'you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' but i say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Jesus, in matthew 5:43-44

***

God's Broken Heart (by Michael Digby Foley, aka Midifo Yearns)

The heart of God is torn and broken
a tear rolls down the mother’s cheek
a cry of anguish breaks the silence
the pain disrupts the longed for sleep.
Fist is raised with flashing eyes
pain explodes and snuffs the cries
as wires attached to body parts
tears at the darkness, brings the sign
of horrid thoughts and cruel design
that forces urine down as wine
and makes him lick and slugg and slobber
like pig today and skunk tomorrow.

The heart of God is torn asunder
when empty heads, inhuman acts
distort the truth, unravel facts
and silence those who dare to say
a word of peace, a cry of justice

Then silence breaks the growing thunder
of stench and pain and heartless plunder;
raping virgins, killing life,
breaking bones and causing strife,
in order just for some to prosper,
while others must be quiet
offer up their hurt and name
for freedom to emerge, to claim
a place, for all around
a prayer for mercy and for sound
of voice that’s gentle and affirming

The heart of God is moved and pained
his face is moist, his body strained.
With outstretched arms
he calls and cries
his breath of life reduced to sighs
of strained pleas and spoilt love
that speaks a language from above
and enters in to stir the heart
and move the evil to depart
and so bring life and healing care
to banish darkness and despair.
He comes to conquer pain
and kindle hope that snuffs at evil
brings the rain of mercy sweet
of victory deep,
of joy both simple and divine...

now what?

a recent sunset from our doorstep

a couple of days ago, the bridge website finally went away. i knew that the closure was in the works, but it still caught me off-guard. i didn't realize it had happened until someone told me that their e-mail to me had bounced. much like the church it publicized, it was there seemingly functioning one day, then gone the next.

looking back over my recent blog posts, i was reminded that i haven't written much in this space about what i've been thinking in the wake of the closure of the bridge. i've covered a wide range of subjects -- race relations in america (yes, imo, christians need to be actively involved in that discussion), family celebrations, a speech i gave at toastmasters... i even took a stab at political satire (on health care and the ever-increasing breadth and power of the federal government). but i really haven't said much about what my family calls 'the collapse' of the bridge.

there were all kinds of reasons for this. first of all, it involved others, and i didn't want to say too much about them. my sense, both then and now, is that it's better to address my part in things and let others deal with their own issues before God. moreover, it's taken time to sort through the criticism of me (both as a pastor and as a person) and to know how to respond constructively. finally, as to why i didn't write more in this space, i think that somewhere in there, i kept wishing that i had something wise or insightful to say about it. for the most part, i knew i didn't and that mostly left my raw feelings, which, while important, were better expressed in other venues.

one such place was marble retreat, a christian counseling center in colorado. i found our time there in early august very helpful. high in the rockies (elevation over 8000 feet/2400 metres), out of cell and internet contact, we had a chance to rest, work through issues with a counselor and in a group discussion with others in a similar situation, and soak in the rugged beauty of that part of the world. good food, fellowship with some wonderful people, and time to reflect, read, pray, and even play a little bit -- all of these were therapeutic in their own way. and in the midst of all of that, the Holy Spirit was able to push through in some needed areas, including some issues that long pre-date the bridge yet still shape my relationships with people today. i recently told some folks that while i know that healing is a process, i felt like i (and we) took a big step forward there.'

celebrating my parents' 50th anniversary

after we returned from colorado, we set aside some time to process everything as a family. i hadn't realized how much this situation affected our girls. to both of them, but to n especially, this was a costly move and time investment. the largely unspoken assumption, i think, was that the 'trade' was supposed to be our lives in exchange for a new ministry that would bring people to Jesus and make a positive difference in their lives. that would be worth the cost. but what do you do when the ministry not only ends, but does so amid acrimony and blame? surely that's not what God intended. how do you own your feelings (vs. suppressing them) and still stay soft-hearted toward God and others? during our time together (with b via video conference -- thanks skype), we took the better part of a day to reflect together on scripture, to speak openly of how we are doing, and to share our unfiltered feelings about all that has happened. we also took unhurried time to open our hearts to the Spirit in prayer and to ask for his blessing on those who used to be our church family. it was a very powerful and uplifting time, and as a friend recently observed, a real gift from the Lord. i came away both hurting for my daughters and impressed with them; as i shared in a recent prayer update, i was reminded again that they are not babies anymore but young women with their own observations, insight, and understanding, and that i need to accord them the proper respect. we saw that time as the beginning of a conversation rather than the end of one, but it was an auspicious beginning.

i have rejoined the staff of lighthouse christian church, our mother church, for a year-long 'pastoral residency.' i will have responsibilities in the small groups ministry, with the emerging compassion and justice ministry, and in helping lighthouse re-evaluate its church plant framework and be part of the discussion about future ministry expansion plans. as i said at a recent ministry community meeting (the core group of lighthouse), i hope to contribute to the ministry of lighthouse and move the ball down the field in some significant areas, while benefiting from the best that lighthouse has to offer in helping me to gain experience and skills as a pastor.

the future is wide-open at this point, and i would greatly appreciate your prayers for God's leading and blessing as we begin our discernment process.

i was and am so appreciative of the e-mails, cards, phone calls, and even visits of so many of you, who came alongside to offer a listening ear and to speak some much-needed truth -- about me as a minister, a leader and a person; about our situation with the bridge; about success and failure in God's eyes; and about our prospects for the future. you are one of God's most precious gifts to us!

a modest proposal

it's the latest facebook craze. "___________ thinks that no one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. if you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day." i don't blame people for posting this as their status. what compassionate person would want someone to die for lack of finances or go broke paying for health care?

but why stop there? i would assert that there are things that are even more critical than universal access to health care. how about universal access to fresh, nutritious food and clean water? some 36 million americans are food insecure. they experience hunger and involuntary lack of access to food on a regular enough basis that it can lead to malnutrition. in one of the richest nations on earth, this is not just a tragedy; it's immoral. as with most other resources in america, access is generally dictated by financial ability. are we really okay with people starving just because they can't afford food?

moreover, there is clearly a lot of waste in the system; even middle class americans eat at ridiculously expensive restaurants or frivolously spend on unnecessary luxury items like starbuck's coffee or any kind of alcohol. and some -- both rich and poor -- are clearly eating too much and the wrong things, as obesity is spiraling out of control. a staggering 33% of americans are obese, and obesity is still on the rise.

clearly, the public and private measures that we've taken are insufficient to address this most critical of needs. the 'system,' isn't even a system -- it's a patchwork quilt of hundreds of ways people access food, and too many people are falling through the cracks or getting lower quality foods that are far too high in fats, sodium, and sugar. it's time for food distribution and nutrition reform.

i therefore propose that we adopt a national food plan in which all americans, regardless of income, get access to the same exact food, both in type and amount (adjusted for a person's size, of course). everyone would eat from the same national menu, designed by our foremost experts on nutrition (perhaps something along the lines of the well-regarded south beach diet). with all americans adopting the best nutritional practices, we'd no doubt see a decline in obesity and consequently, obesity-related diseases and obesity-related deaths, which now top 300,000 per year. it's a win-win.

for those of you who think a full-on government takeover of food distribution and nutrition sounds too extreme, i am willing to compromise by suggesting that we offer a public option. those who are currently food insecure or who are overweight or who would just prefer to have the public option could go in. those who like their current food access could continue to access food through their usual channels, as long as they meet certain federal guidelines (e.g. the diet practices laid out in any of a number of approved diet programs or limitations on how much dinner or coffee can cost).

some of you are probably wondering about the overall cost of the program, but first of all, aren't we dealing with an issue of right and wrong here, no matter how much it costs? and secondly, i honestly can't see financing being a problem. there is so much waste in the current system; with all of the money we save from avoiding expensive restaurants and luxury food and drink items, everyone could be fed easily.

in fact, i'm guessing that we'd have enough left over to spend on other critical needs, like housing. you do know that an estimated 3.5 million people are homeless every year. the current 'system' is a hopeless mishmash of single family homes, apartments, condominiums, townhouses, houseboats, and who knows what else. access is, once again, dictated largely by financial ability. and think of the waste and inequality in the system -- wealthy people owning multiple homes or remodeling their homes while others are literally dying in the streets or living in shelters. perhaps it's also time for a national housing program -- or at least a widely available public option...